Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
