Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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