I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
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