just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
