It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
