you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
