I wish I could teleport
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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