see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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