highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
