bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
