His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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