I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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