I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
