I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
