just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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