im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
