I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
