yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
