i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
