If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
