my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
