2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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