He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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