I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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