Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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