Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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