my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Too much gin, very little bucket
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
