My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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