Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
and you fell through a lawn chair
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
