girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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