I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
