hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
