I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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