I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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