I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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