I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
