You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
