My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
