is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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