Someone shit on the floor
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We're too hungover to prance.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
