good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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