I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
