Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
