remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
