it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
