It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
