I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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