ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
