i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
