need another drink. this is the easiest way
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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