Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
